Breakthrough

I was talking to Courtney today, I said something deeeeep, man.  I said, “the person I am in my head is a much better human than the one I am in real life.”

I spent most of the day letting that sink in a little bit. Let it roll around in my head, bounce off the walls a little bit, see how it tasted.

And it wasn’t that good.

I’m tired of never getting better.  I’m tired of wanting to live in a better world that I can’t make exist.  I’m tired of failing every fucking time.

Its kind of interesting to watch the depression try to break through the meds.  I’m like a spectator at the arena with a lion and a gladiator.  A tired-as-fuck gladiator.  Just waiting for the moment that the depression wins and the gladiator goes down.

This goddamned dark passenger of mine has made its presence known every fucking day for three years in a row.  THREE.  Every. fucking. day.  I’m tired of him, I’m tired of fighting, I’m tired of his stupid lurking in the corner waiting for me to stumble.  I’m tired of ending up in the same place all the time.  Do you know how many things I’ve tried? Big old fucking elephant in the room,pretending it’s not there. Bullshit.  I see you.  I just can’t kill you , yet.