I can’t decide…



alexander hamilton and me

This idea courtesy of my friend at BipolarSoujourner.wordpress.com, who commented on my suicide post with the gentle suggestion that I should consider reconsidering my growth metrics.  Perfectionism is something I struggle with, and trying to recover perfectly is just a different manifestation of the same disease.  So many instagram memes, right?  Words of wisdom, eating disorders, … Continue reading alexander hamilton and me

Pondering the neurobiology of stalking, as i sit at his desk.

hey, i have a legit reason to be sitting at his desk. neurobiology of depression and so i know at this point that depression is a fear/flight/amygdala/withdrawal syndrome. relative serotonin deficiency (relative to the situation). agitation is a relative excess of dopamine and nor-epi. but how does one come up with psychotic features? like stalking … Continue reading Pondering the neurobiology of stalking, as i sit at his desk.


My kid’s teacher is married to a paraplegic. He didn’t start out that way, but was hit by a train while out for a jog, and because of the headphones, failed to hear the train approach. Cord severed, irremediable, permanent alteration of function. DOES he function? Yeah. There are wheelchairs and ramps, and catheters and … Continue reading Scarring

trigger warnings

its been two years this month since ive started this blog. i wanted a place to exsanguinate my mental contaminants 1) in the hope i could somehow make sense of them, and 2) TBH because i didn’t feel i had the right to bother any of my friends with them. everyone has a limit, and … Continue reading trigger warnings




So. You’re reading this because you googled suicide or something similar. Maybe you’re thinking about it. Maybe you know someone thinking about it. Maybe you’re just trying to understand why people do it.

First of all, since this is a touchy subject in the extreme, let me introduce myself. My name is Arthur. I am diagnosed Bipolar 1 with psychotic features. To make that understandable, I have physical and emotional experiences that don’t necessarily relate to current events in my life, and I always see and hear things that aren’t there. It makes life… interesting, to say the least.

I have attempted suicide multiple times, and I still think about it. Every day. The question that doctors and such like to ask: “Do you have a plan?” is almost meaningless. Potential means for suicide surround us constantly, so the plan is always available. I haven’t successfully done it yet(obviously… :P…

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catching up.

It has been quite a while since Ive been here.  So much happening.  Straightening out the mess in my head.  And there has been some decent progress.  took probably 15 (at least) big black garbage bags of CRAP out of my house.  realized FINALLY that HE is never going to give me a hit that … Continue reading catching up.



facing off with the big d

i don’t care about what you think about me, but i do care how you treat me.

a friend of mine shared this mantra with me. with the sound of Aretha franklin echoing in my head, i thought about the saying, i realized the i do care how you treat me part represents a statement of respect and/or compassion. secondly, I realized how most people with social anxiety, at least at some level, struggle with respect.

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Foiled by a kindie-gardner

  Ok, you caught me.  Reading the eleven year-old's 'American Girl' magazine.  I found this little gem in the June/July issue.  And  isn't that interesting?  What  would I do with a DVD of my life?  No way in hell there's a fast forward going on.  Not at my age. Ain't rewinding, either.  To that childhood???  uh-uh.   A … Continue reading Foiled by a kindie-gardner