I was talking to Courtney today, I said something deeeeep, man.  I said, "the person I am in my head is a much better human than the one I am in real life." I spent most of the day letting that sink in a little bit. Let it roll around in my head, bounce off the … Continue reading Breakthrough


alexander hamilton and me

This idea courtesy of my friend at, who commented on my suicide post with the gentle suggestion that I should consider reconsidering my growth metrics.  Perfectionism is something I struggle with, and trying to recover perfectly is just a different manifestation of the same disease.  So many instagram memes, right?  Words of wisdom, eating disorders, … Continue reading alexander hamilton and me

Trigger Warning: Suicide

I've been tossing this idea around again, as I've been noticing the telltale signs of creeping depression.  Brief ones, yes.  Muted, yes.  But definite, like a little beckoning echo in the water that sneaks closer and closer on the wind.  Pretty soon, it will cocoon me again, like a cool fountain mist on a blistering day. I … Continue reading Trigger Warning: Suicide

Seeking whom he may devour…

why the FUCK can i not do this .  why.  its easy for everyone else, have friends, trust, be nice, go out, have fun, not worry, whatever.  for me?  i have never done it and when i have tried i have failed.  outright.  royally.  large.  no fucking chance.  i misread cues, i get paranoid, i … Continue reading Seeking whom he may devour…

So it dawned on me

ive spent the better part of 18 months cultivating seeds of insecurity into brambles of depression. Trying to pick my way through the thorns without razing the hedge. It dawned on me. I offered you complete carte blanche. Unrestricted access, anywhere on the continuum. And where did you draw the line?  At point fucking zero. … Continue reading So it dawned on me


Want a case study? A previously well 46F, married, 4 children.  Self-identified Christian, never used birth control, involved at school, morning family meetings for bible study, homemade dinners 7 days a week.  Stay at home mom, of course.  (what else?)  Homeschool the 'extras' on the side.  Clean music, no tv for the kids, bible camp … Continue reading SIG E CAPS