The Reynolds Pamphlet

So last week, the work peeps discovered this blog.  (That has been public for four years.  That has been linked on my public Instagram profile for over a year.  But I digress.)  They treated it as news:  "Have you read this?!"  "DAMN!"   And as the wildfire spread, the messages started pouring in from people … Continue reading The Reynolds Pamphlet

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Breakthrough

I was talking to Courtney today, I said something deeeeep, man.  I said, "the person I am in my head is a much better human than the one I am in real life." I spent most of the day letting that sink in a little bit. Let it roll around in my head, bounce off the … Continue reading Breakthrough

alexander hamilton and me

This idea courtesy of my friend at BipolarSoujourner.wordpress.com, who commented on my suicide post with the gentle suggestion that I should consider reconsidering my growth metrics.  Perfectionism is something I struggle with, and trying to recover perfectly is just a different manifestation of the same disease.  So many instagram memes, right?  Words of wisdom, eating disorders, … Continue reading alexander hamilton and me

Trigger Warning: Suicide

I've been tossing this idea around again, as I've been noticing the telltale signs of creeping depression.  Brief ones, yes.  Muted, yes.  But definite, like a little beckoning echo in the water that sneaks closer and closer on the wind.  Pretty soon, it will cocoon me again, like a cool fountain mist on a blistering day. I … Continue reading Trigger Warning: Suicide

I’m struggling

Today is one of those days when I feel like my whole life is a trigger.  You know, when you get hit with the realization that what you want is never going to happen, and can't ever happen no matter how you change your circumstances, how much you wrangle the environment, no matter how badass … Continue reading I’m struggling

Cleaning House

I am out.  Finally, finally. After two years of depression, and a year in recovery, here's what I have learned, in no particular order. Everybody has stuff.  Humans struggle.  It ain't easy here on earth,  even in the US.  Money, fidelity, food security, acceptance, discrimination, disease, death...  The breadth of human suffering astounds. YOU GOTTA BE … Continue reading Cleaning House

Just out of reach

So as the train of my midlife crisis barrels along, it is turning out to be a source of frustration that I just can't quite put my finger on...something. I know what went wrong in the retarded stupid mal-aligned brain of mine,  and I am doing a swimmingly good job of preventing it from happening again … Continue reading Just out of reach

But for the grace of…an empty bank account

So.  Charlie Sheen.  Holy cow. And my first instinct is to say, "That asshole,"  and "He deserves it."  Because, really, he's an asshole.  And the reason he divulged everything to NBC is that it was getting too expensive to keep paying to keep people quiet.  And I am beginning to wonder if there might not … Continue reading But for the grace of…an empty bank account

So it dawned on me

ive spent the better part of 18 months cultivating seeds of insecurity into brambles of depression. Trying to pick my way through the thorns without razing the hedge. It dawned on me. I offered you complete carte blanche. Unrestricted access, anywhere on the continuum. And where did you draw the line?  At point fucking zero. … Continue reading So it dawned on me