I’m struggling

Today is one of those days when I feel like my whole life is a trigger.  You know, when you get hit with the realization that what you want is never going to happen, and can't ever happen no matter how you change your circumstances, how much you wrangle the environment, no matter how badass … Continue reading I’m struggling


“If he marks you, he can have you.”

no caption needed.

Seeking whom he may devour…

why the FUCK can i not do this .  why.  its easy for everyone else, have friends, trust, be nice, go out, have fun, not worry, whatever.  for me?  i have never done it and when i have tried i have failed.  outright.  royally.  large.  no fucking chance.  i misread cues, i get paranoid, i … Continue reading Seeking whom he may devour…

Cleaning House

I am out.  Finally, finally. After two years of depression, and a year in recovery, here's what I have learned, in no particular order. Everybody has stuff.  Humans struggle.  It ain't easy here on earth,  even in the US.  Money, fidelity, food security, acceptance, discrimination, disease, death...  The breadth of human suffering astounds. YOU GOTTA BE … Continue reading Cleaning House

Just out of reach

So as the train of my midlife crisis barrels along, it is turning out to be a source of frustration that I just can't quite put my finger on...something. I know what went wrong in the retarded stupid mal-aligned brain of mine,  and I am doing a swimmingly good job of preventing it from happening again … Continue reading Just out of reach

But for the grace of…an empty bank account

So.  Charlie Sheen.  Holy cow. And my first instinct is to say, "That asshole,"  and "He deserves it."  Because, really, he's an asshole.  And the reason he divulged everything to NBC is that it was getting too expensive to keep paying to keep people quiet.  And I am beginning to wonder if there might not … Continue reading But for the grace of…an empty bank account

Pondering the neurobiology of stalking, as i sit at his desk.

hey, i have a legit reason to be sitting at his desk. neurobiology of depression and so i know at this point that depression is a fear/flight/amygdala/withdrawal syndrome. relative serotonin deficiency (relative to the situation). agitation is a relative excess of dopamine and nor-epi. but how does one come up with psychotic features? like stalking … Continue reading Pondering the neurobiology of stalking, as i sit at his desk.


My kid’s teacher is married to a paraplegic. He didn’t start out that way, but was hit by a train while out for a jog, and because of the headphones, failed to hear the train approach. Cord severed, irremediable, permanent alteration of function. DOES he function? Yeah. There are wheelchairs and ramps, and catheters and … Continue reading Scarring

trigger warnings

its been two years this month since ive started this blog. i wanted a place to exsanguinate my mental contaminants 1) in the hope i could somehow make sense of them, and 2) TBH because i didn’t feel i had the right to bother any of my friends with them. everyone has a limit, and … Continue reading trigger warnings