Here’s what I’ve learned from this.
I suck. (Okay, I knew that part already)
Here’s the new stuff:
That’s going to have to be okay. I don’t have to care. I don’t have to try. I don’t have to get better. I can suck and still be loved. Here’s what I suck at. Im fat. Im old. I yell at my kids. I had an affair. I liked it. I don’t go to church. My kids have pie for breakfast sometimes. My six year old spends hours on end playing video games. I don’t police my 14 year old’s internet access. She’s seen Britney Spears videos (although those were Connie’s doing 🙂 ( I love you , Constance <3) My 3 1/2 year old is still not potty trained, and still needs his pacifier. It’s pink, and he likes his nails to be beautiful, too. (He likes the TARDIS blue). We eat noodles, like, 10 meals a week. Not even kidding. I haven’t put a vegetable on their plate in months.
And it is going to have to be ok, It just is. I don’t have the energy to beat the shit out of myself anymore. I can’t compete with HIS wife. I can’t stand people’s Facebook posts. “Aren’t my kids cute?” Sure. Good for you. You’re checking in from church? Great. You post pictures of your huge house, and your big muscles and your nice car and how many miles you ran today. Must be nice being you.
Here’s my accomplishment. Ready??? Im not suicidal anymore. Yay, me! After six months of being depressed, needing an oxytocin hit, if you get my meaning, looking for it in places I had no business, pushing friendships and acquaintances to the absolute limits of tolerance, being under medicated and just generally being psycho, I am digging out. AGAIN. Needing to make repairs. AGAIN. Being wounded.
How much can people take of me? Well, my husband didn’t leave. Incredibly. Says he wants to make a safe place for me. Mike didn’t leave. Spent 90 minutes with me teaching me how not to fear. Erin didn’t leave. And incredibly, Luke didn’t (exactly) leave either. Honorable and gracious. It could have REALLY hit the fan.
Is this what its supposed to be?? Forgiveness? Understanding that everyone is struggling and that everyone fucks up? This is what everyone else in the world knows? And how about those Christians? Should I even go there? Because Im pretty damn pissed at that guy, and every time it intrudes on my consciousness that this is what Christ is for, that He does it perfectly, and that this is exactly what I need, I fail to submit. Nice. To hell with me, pun intended. But right now, that’s going to have to be okay.
What Really Goes On in Here..... 